Category Archives: My Man

December 6th

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When Marc was a little kid, his mother started the Advent tradition. She would buy small gifts for Marc and Danielle every day from December 1st to 24th. Usually it was packs of gum, shoelaces and travel toothpastes. We decided to carry on this tradition because it gave us the opportunity to give to each other and remember the spirit of giving throughout December. More than the things, it is an exercise in our marriage at giving and receiving.

Today was more sewing buttons (different colours this time) and a travel egg carrier for the boat.

Someone recently highlighted an article of marriage that I read. It was about a couple who had a fairly functional marriage and they set about different ways to improve it. They went to psychoanalysists, therapy sessions, a two day communication session. It was a good article. The beginning of the article made me consider what marriage is and how does a good marriage look. She says that we try at raising our children, improving our careers, practise at our various hobbies or skills. But we often do not put a lot of effort into our marriages, just letting them cruise on an autopilot of sorts.

Marc and I have been together for five years, been married for nearly four, and I remember thinking, when we tied the knot, that this was just the beginning. We’ve both had marriage modelled by our parents, who have been married 30 years and 28 years respectively. It has been very helpful and it’s interesting to see what things have carried on to our marriage from our observations of our parents’ marriage.

Marc’s dad planned this surprise trip for his mom once. For their 25th wedding anniversary, he secretly booked a trip to Tahiti and planned all the details, as well as booking time off from her work without her knowing. This was a masterful plan which took months in the making. Though Marc hasn’t whisked me to Tahiti yet, he has pulled off some very amazing secretive stunts like this based on his expectation of his role, modelled by his father.

My parents have been very good at making time for each other. They build it into their schedules. My dad would come home from work and they would talk while Mom made dinner. For the most part, we as children knew not to interrupt their time together by our nattering.

From this example, Marc and I have tried to build time into our “regularly scheduled program” by setting aside moments in our day to be together. When we slip at this, one of us reminds the other and we find that we both really miss it when we forget.

Something that the article touches on is monogamy. It is a given in our society that a healthy marriage equals monogamy. The article said that the couple had been sexually faithful but the husband felt that his wife had betrayed him with her mother. Stay with me on this. He felt that when there was a decision regarding the children, his wife went to her mother and they made the decision without his input. I found this very interesting. I examined my own marriage and found that if there was anywhere where I could be accused of not being monogamous, it was when I put my own needs above the needs of our marriage, or the needs of Marc. Often by my own selfishness, I was damaging our marriage. After apologizing to Marc for this, I hope I can slowly improve in this aspect.

For a marriage to grow, it seems to require a lot of vulnerability and a lot of apologizing. In theory, I think this will be very good for me. In practise, it sounds a bit uncomfortable.

Perhaps marriage is a bit like beekeeping. Sometimes it stings, but the results are sweet.

Happy Anniversary Gram and Gramps!

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60 years? Can you imagine it? I cannot, as I have not lived that long.

But my grandparents are having their 60th Wedding Anniversary today. Congratulations Gram and Gramps! I am so proud of you. What a long time.

I remember going to a wedding where a friend of mine, married 38 years, was the minister. He said to the bride and groom, “You think you love each other now! You do not know love!”

Within the next year, he lost his wife to cancer. I looked back on that day and thought “Yeah, he knows love, through sickness and health.”

My grandparents still kiss everytime they go out the door. They are respectful with their words, they still honour each other in their life. They spend all day together and from what I’ve seen, they are truly best friends. I admire this. I love this. And them.

Marc and I are coming up on 4 years of marriage. A mere eyedrop in comparison to 60 years. Last night we were talking about our marriage. It’s getting easier. We do things more automatically. One person cleans the coffee bodum, the other puts on the kettle for a new pot. It’s the little things that the other person does to compliment their spouse that makes all the difference. Do I love Marc more than the day I married him? Definitely! Without question! Is it still work? Of course! But work with such good reward.

60 years would be a lot of work, they have seen their children grow up and have their own children. They have dealt with the passing of so many friends and so much that life has thrown at them, but they are happy, healthy and with fresh hair cuts. (as I’ve been told!)

Happy Anniversary Gramma and Grampa! Congratulations on 60 years of sticking together and making it work. You inspire!

Cafe avec Creme

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How do you drink your coffee?

Strong and black?

Cream and sugar?

Me, I prefer cream and honey. Yes of course, you say, the Bee lady would prefer honey.

Coffee is quite a ritual in our house. We get our coffee mail-delivered from Pot of Gold. They write our names on it, it comes every 4 weeks and smells up our ancient green post box and I’m sure, the post office gets quite a whiff of it before it is delivered.

Every morning, as I prepare to go to work, I put the kettle on, grind coffee and deposit it into our handsome little bodum. The pungent smell of ground coffee is the first smell that tickles my nose in the morning. I pour the boiled water over the fresh grounds and set the timer for 4 minutes, like the good little barista I was trained to be. Then I pour my husband a cup of coffee in his favourite “Morton” mug with a big red crab on it. He gets a kiss on his sleepy head, a delivery of steaming coffee, and I pad downstairs, kittens entwined in my legs, to write my “Morning Pages.”

I need my morning rituals. What are yours?

The Absence of “Should”

Dear Reader,

I apologize that I have not been faithful in writing lately. I have been avoiding the word “Should” thus the blog has suffered.

Last night was prime blogging opportunity and I took my husband and a blanket and lay under the stars to watch the falling meteoroids in the field. There were plenty of falling stars to sling our wishes on and it was cold, we were decked out in toques, fleece pants, big jackets, but it was very romantic. 3 1/2 years of marriage and the romance is still a’ burning. But we’ve found that we have to be very intentional about making time for each other. Often life flows along and we forget to look each other right in the face, nose to nose, and verbalize our love.

Back to the “should” that infects my life. I have many things I “should” do and my life gets so cluttered with these “should’s”  that it becomes a web and I get overwhelmed. Do you, dear reader, suffer from the “Should” virus? I won’t even list all my “shoulds” but they hound me, they haunt me. To run with that image, they are ghosts that dog my every step. I know I am getting dramatic but would the “Shoulds” please take a hike! They squeeze me out of my “trying to enjoy the moment” mentality.

I have photos of what I’ve been up to lately and I will post them as we’ve been doing the regular “ideal farm-life” stuff. Making cheese, harvesting tomatoes, picking plums, delving into real conversation with friends. Mining the meaning in every day life. All in all, I love summer!

I hope you’re well and enjoying your summer.

xoxo

Estro-Fix

I went for a girl’s weekend this weekend. What I expected was:

- Food, lots of food

-Singing/Dancing/Boogying

-Swimming and tanning time

-Laughing until my stomach hurt

-Quotable lines to last us a few years

-Some tears -learning tears.

Check, Check and Check. It was a great weekend. I need the women I have in my life. And I’m very lucky to have such good ladies who encourage me, accept me, attempt at understanding me, and are excited for me as we embark on life’s adventure.

I find that women contain so much strength. Women, we are so strong! We can do so much! We can handle so much. I’m so impressed. We are superwomen, we hold our families together, strengthen each other and remind ourselves of what really matters in life; love, health and relationship. We remind each other of what doesn’t matter as much; preoccupation with physical beauty, expectations of ourselves (unhealthy ones) to accomplish and succeed and that complaining never gets us very far.

I’ve mentioned to a few people around me lately that I’ve been finding that women have the opportunity to be the barometer in their families or relationships. We have the power to influence the emotional status around us, we can eminate positively or negatively. Often I’ve seen a woman’s emotional instability tear apart families. It reiterates the fact that my own emotional health is so important. My moods affect Marc and have great power to influence those around me. It is selfish to think that if I’m grumpy, I do so only for myself. I have observed that women have the power to bring emotional stability and health to families if they are so employed. We women yield such incredible power.

Yes I realize that men also have this power but women seem to be naturally so much more inclined toward emotional recognition or volatile explosions. We wield our manipulation, our nagging, our passive-aggressive avoidance, we throw out our pout, or cock an eyebrow to bend those we love to our will. It makes me so aware of my tone, my expressions. It also makes me aware to take inventory on my own emotional health and what I am putting out there. Am I being positive with Marc? With others I run into?

Have you had good estro-time lately? I feel refreshed, enlightened, aware and armed again from my boost in Estrogen.

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